Friday, August 28, 2009

Problems with Dummy Husband 1.0

Recently, there have been some minor malfunctions with my Dummy Husband 1.0 model. The problems began when I changed jobs and now work within the same company but five miles up the road and in a different building from Dummy Husband 1.0. The Corporation did not inform me that my Dummy Husband 1.0 model needed continuous support and attention. In my mind, if I purchase one of their top of the line robot husbands that they promise will take complete care of me—then, I expect Dummy Husband 1.0 also to be able to take care of himself. Not so.

Recently, as a sign of how bad things have become, what some might call graceful degradation, Dummy Husband 1.0 sent an automated complaint to the The Corporation to complain of missing parts. I think there’s a short in a memory chip in my robot husband, but The Corporation tells me that this is normal and to be expected. I say that’s shoddy service.

I know that some of you wives out there also have invested great time and money in The Corporation’s promised superior product, Dummy Husband 1.0. You need to be aware of bugs and incomplete functionality that I’ve learned can be normal occurrences in Dummy Husband 1.0. I've also learned that Dummy Husband 1.0 can be returned, after jumping through many fiery hoops, but how do we know that the next Dummy Husband 1.0 won't contain the same bugs, problems, and missing parts? The Corporation also is keen not to offer any promises about Dummy Husband 2.0.

Email sent from Dummy Husband 1.0’s automated complaint system:
from Dummy Husband 1.0:
to The Corporation:
date Thu, Aug 27, 2009 at 9:50 AM
subject Technical Note for Dummy Husband 1.0

Be advised that Dummy Husband 1.0 makes no assumptions about the completeness of the wardrobe provided to him upon bootup. To ensure beltification, we recommend keeping a belt within visual sensor range or draping one around Dummy Husband's neck.

Do not choke Dummy Husband with belt, as this will void the warranty on your Dummy Husband.

Email response from The Corporation:
from The Corporation:
to Dummy Husband 1.0:
date Thu, Aug 27, 2009 at 1:09 PM
subject Re: Technical Note for Dummy Husband 1.0

Dear Users of Dummy Husband 1.0,

We regret to inform you that serious malfunctions in the technical design of Dummy Husband 1.0 have limited our ability to successfully respond and correct such problems as the missing beltification and the nomemoryitis that has plagued some Dummy Husband 1.0 models. We recommend that when you find such problems, which may include but are not limited to overflowingtrashegeous, cannotmovefromcouchascular, and badbreathasis, you simply return the model in its original box with receipt taped to inside left thigh for put-down processing.

At this time, we do not believe that Dummy Husband 1.0 is dangerous, but, we are not ruling out the possibility of the unknown. We want to assure the public that Dummy Husband 1.0 was fully tested in our lab before its final release. We are confident but unsure that Dummy Husband 1.0 will accomplish all husbandly tasks if put before him in a written list, reminded to him several times before the task is to take place, and ample follow-up is conducted to see that tasks are completed in a timely and efficient manner.

As a general reminder, we'd like mention that Dummy Husband 1.0 should never be left alone for long periods of time and should always be fed three meals per day to ensure optimum functionality. Dummy Husband 1.0 is built to be the perfect companion for Wife 2.0. We hope you continue to enjoy your experience with Dummy Husband 1.0.

Thank you,

The Corporation

1 comment:

facingthetrend said...

Oh! I so enjoyed this!