Saturday, July 11, 2009

Garden Hose for Happiness.

We began to notice last weekend that something was missing from our lives. It was like a big gaping hole where the wind blew through in giant gusts of emptiness. It was like a memory that had faded before it was formed. It was so many metaphors rolled into one indescribable void—it was overwhelming. We were tripping over ourselves to correct the matter. We must strive to make our home the perfect home. We knew what was missing—it was staring us in the face and mocking us in schoolyard tunes. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but we did and we acknowledged that something must be done and quickly. It came upon us in the middle of the day that our life was not absolutely perfect for the very fact that we, the Stewarts, had no garden hose.

Noooooooo! No! Not that! Yes, that. That. The horror! We were out in the jungle and stumbling upon our very naked consciousness. The glaring omission of garden hose from our life was causing a chaotic stir of unfulfilled wanting within us that pushed us halfway to crazy. It is a garden hose that will make our home complete. Garden hose for sanity! Garden hose for happiness! Only one thing would fix this spinning mess—we must find garden hose. We must.

Friday, July 10, 2009: Mission Garden Hose for Happiness.

Recently, we’ve begun taking advantage of our side yard.
The side yard that we imagined a glorious low-light garden would occupy one day—something biblical with hanging plants and Toucan birds cawing from tropical treetops. The typical garden dream that most young couples have. However, upon moving in we are disappointed to find that the builder has filled in our side yard with pebbles. The kind of very small rocks that are way heavier than a duck. What now? The tropical-yet-low-light garden dream fades and we mope inside sitting in our dizzying darkness. But then the sun comes. And my skin needs tan. So we take a step toward trying to make the side yard into something. If nothing else—let us have fun. Let us have fun in the sun. Let me read. Let me tan. Let me enjoy my pebble-filled side yard in some sunny capacity.

We bought a teak tanning chair where I can read my books and sun my skin and stare at the sun to my heart’s content. Awesome. But hot. Hot. I need a pool. We don’t have a pool. Instead, I have the water bottle that I use to spray wrinkles when ironing clothes. I squirt and spray and layer my skin with life-saving water. Not good enough. I need help. Last weekend, I enticed Mr. Husband to join me in the sun-bathing side yard. Mr. Husband does not tan. The sun is not his friend. They are bitter enemies. But he joins me and he feels the sun being not so mean and kind of friendly on his skin. We use the little spray bottle to keep ourselves somewhat cool. We are laughing and fighting over who is taking up too much room on the tanning chair. We like this space. We like this side yard and the sunny time together and we begin to dream again.

We need a sprinkler or something to mist ourselves while we lounge about in the side yard on a sunny day. In order to achieve sprinkler, we need a garden hose. And then garden hose became the ultimate goal. Garden hose will solve everything. For all that’s holy and Angela Bassett’s ability to kick-ass—we need a garden hose. Our front porch pots will benefit, too. Score! Win! Bingo!

Garden hose.

So we plan for days. We consult a psychic and throw some magic stones in a chalk circle on the ground to determine the best day to achieve garden hose. To rescue an unsuspecting garden hose from Home Depot, we will be stealthy and dress in camouflage. The original plan while carefully thought out and mapped out on velum turned out to be more complicated than was necessary. We simply waltzed into Home Depot and saw a row of sparkling garden hoses before us—like they were waiting for us. Like it was providence. Garden hose we has!

The sprinkler part was harder. We knew that we also wanted a nozzle-sprayer contraption for watering and spraying the plants. To the garden shop! We roamed through Home Depot, hunting for the perfect sprinkler to turn our side yard into a magic water park that would save our summer and provide us with the ultimate spot in which we can sun and fun.
When we stumbled upon the row of sprinklers and sprayers, we found a most helpful mercenary who recommended a brass nozzle set that was on sale because the packaging had gotten destroyed. Yes! That’s the one for us. We care not for the packaging, but we like the options. Three options for $10. Like mana falling from heaven, we scooped up our nozzle and thanked the most kind mushroom-hair-headed woman. She also helped us determine the best sprinkler for our most unique situation. She told us we were the most fun she’d had all week.

We thanked her. I would have hugged her but my creepy-sensor stopped me.

Today, we enjoyed hours of garden hose fun. Mr. Husband hooked up our very first garden hose
and we turned on the sprinkler. We played with the sprayer and skipped about on the pebbles that were no longer hot but wet from the goodly garden hose dripping its sweet H20 nectar all over. Our side yard is reborn. We are made anew and washed in the saving grace of the garden hose and sprinkler-sprayer set.

Sweet summer, we are ready!


countrypeapie said...

Awesome shot of the Home Depot lady. But next time -- jazz hands!

Mark said...

Jeff! Get away from the big, yellow thing in the sky! Don't let it stare at you unprotected! Nothing can be done to protect your woman as she has fallen to its wiles.