Wednesday, April 2, 2008

King of Husbands and Wife of Kings


After a couple years of taking such good care of my husband as to ensure that the man is physically and mentally crippled if ever I was not around, I’ve slowly begun to introduce him into the Domestic Chore Realm (DCR). This is very much like introducing a caged tiger that’s been raised in a zoo back into the African wilderness where he truly belongs. I must move slowly, be calm and understanding when he accidentally kills out of fear, and be patient when he cannot find anything to eat. I have introduced the Husband Monster to housework and the great reward that comes with helping out around the apartment.

We’re in the process of building a new house, so we are basically stuck in a place too small for quite a while longer. I must move ahead with my master plan before we have more space, which will surely overwhelm me and lead to my early inclusion at the local asylum. At this point in our brief marriage, I have complete confidence that my absence from his being will cripple Mr. Husband emotionally to such a great degree that I can take this crucial step in securing my sanity. We both work equal hours in the corporate world, so we are now working to establish a working equality at home. Next week, I’ll work on bringing socialism into the bedroom. The first step there will be to pick out matching uniforms.

I’ve found that in slowly and carefully migrating one Mr. Husband into the DCR, one will find greater success if man is clear of his role. I have achieved this by defining roles and removing all ambiguity from what might be expected. For instance, it has already been established with about five successful runs that Mr. Husband is the official keeper of the dishwasher emptying service. In order to help him better understand this role, a title has been added for increased understanding: Supreme Dishwasher Emptying Supervisor. While “Dishwasher Emptying Supervisor” might have successfully satisfied his confusion with the new job role, adding the qualifier “Supreme” has taken his role up 3.5 five levels and given Mr. Husband an increased pride in his job as he realizes that the wife and two cats clearly recognize his great worth. Clearly.

Fortunately, this system has begun working without any unforeseen glitches. Seamless. I didn’t even need to move to Plan B, which included the addition of badges and hats to increase the outward appearance of worth and, by so, tripling the obvious pride as is documented in the “Husband Helps Around the House More Than a Hippo” Principle from the famous Economic and Domestic work entitled Maybe Wollstonecraft Knew What’s Up (Adams and Johnson, 32). Additionally, one always wants to steer clear of Plan C that entails sharing Milton’s ornery discussion of marriage and the life thereafter. Yes, we must steer clear of that.

Anyhow, I have come up with a system of titles for Mr. Husband as he becomes more and more acquainted with the strange and unknown ways of the DCR. For instance, Mr. Husband has been known on occasion to carry any one or multiple titles like the following: Cat Food Bowl Referee, Auditor of the Laundry Basket and All Surrounding Fiefdoms, Chief Inspector of Carpet Vacuuming, Safety Inspector and Head Assistant to the Driver, Bathroom Floor President and Chief Technician of Pipes, Litter Box Lieutenant and Master of Poop, Manager of Bedroom Sheet Province, etc. More titles will be created and bestowed upon Mr. Husband as need comes to light.

Thus far, the subject has successfully migrated into the DCR with great aptitude. This wife is positive that the outcome will be favorable for all sides.

--Emperor of Happiness and Love

1 comment:

Chris said...

You're the Bathroom Floor First Lady.