Birthannukah: The Festival of Birthday Candle Lights.

It is that magical time of year again in our home: Birthannukah. We’ll have seven days and seven nights of birthday lights and birthday gifts. Mr. Husband and I began this tradition in 2006 during our first year together. We spoiled each other—we couldn’t help it. Two lonely people found each other and were overwhelmed with giving. It happens. It did for us, at least. We plan months in advance for the seven nights of gifts. Sometimes, the gifts come in the morning and sometimes they come at night. Traditionally, I cannot wait to give, so Mr. Husband’s festivus of light occurs in the morning and spills into the night. Mr. Husband likes to make me wait because he likes to see me excited like a five-year-old waiting for Santa all day. Men do that.

Today is the opening ceremony for Birthannukah 2008: Mr. Husband Takes the Cake.

As always, the ever Irish Bill and Ted are here as guest commentators to help usher in this momentous occasion for our radio listeners and geek reading public.

Ted: I look out over the field filled with crazed Mr. Husband fans, Bill, as they wait for the Birthannukah Backyard Tiki Torch to be lit.

Bill: Oh, this is a great event—look at the excitement on all their faces. The super flame, Ted. You can see that everyone in the crowd is wearing one of four collector t-shirts with Mr. Husband’s face on it that were issued earlier this year and sold for a limited time on amazon.com.

Ted: That’s right! Bill and I are wearing our Mr. Husband Goes to the Mayor t-shirts. Some fans have gone as far as to body paint—the true zealots are painted head to toe in a pasty white.

Bill: Gosh, Ted, can you hear that? They’re chanting his name in two clear syllables—the sound is deafening, “Hus-band! Hus-band!”

Ted: This is an awesome spectacle, indeed. The fans cannot keep from clapping their hands together and you can see acrobats shooting out from all corners of the crowd. Look! There goes one now! Oooh—bad landing. That must have hurt.

Bill: That’s right, Ted. This year, the head of the committee, Mrs. Wife, has hired a full carny circus to add that certain flair—

Ted: Carny flair—

Bill: That’s right, Ted, that special, pungent, colorful Carny flair.

Ted: Leaves a taste in your mouth, doesn’t it, Bill?

Bill: Sure does, Ted, like cotton candy and hours-old hot dogs. I’m sure all our listeners are familiar.

Ted: HaHA! I know I can taste it, Bill.

Bill: Ah, sure you do, Ted. Sure you do. So what are we looking at this year for our Big Headed Birthannukah Man?

Ted: Well, Bill, this year is a theme festival. As many of our listeners know, Mr. Husband is moving into a new house soon.

Bill: Ha—that’s right, Ted. Rumor has it that Mrs. Wife expects Mr. Husband to step into the man-takes-care-of-the-house role.

Ted: Oh, you know it, Bill. And those are some pretty big pants to fill!

Bill: Good thing Mr. Husband has big … legs.

Ted: Oh, Bill! Ha! You are terrible.

Bill: Look, Ted, I think something’s happening down there. The crowd is on their feet, and I hear more chanting—I think I even spy some gratuitous humping in the stands.

Ted: You know it, Bill. That’s the official sign that Birthannukah is about to begin. You can feel it in the air. You can feel it in the crowd’s great frenzy!

Bill: Oh, look, Ted! A woman is giving birth over there in Section M. Wow.

Ted: Wow, indeed, Bill. Gosh, you hardly see that anymore!. Birhannukah sure does bring out the best in a crowd.

Bill: And here’s our champion! Look at him running into the stadium with his arms raised. The crowd sure does love that!

Ted: Yes, Bill, he certainly knows how to work the crowd. And he certainly knows it’s his day! What a fine Birthannukah cap he’s wearing this year.

Bill: Yes, Ted, this year’s Birhannukah hat was commissioned especially for the opening day ceremony by Badgley Mischka. Spectacular.

Ted: Breathtaking! Love the feathers, Bill. That Badgley is a genius with feathers.

Bill: And it’s no secret that Mr. Husband loves feathers!

Ted: Well, we’ve got a great competition in front of us—Mr. Husband looks in fine form this year, feathers and all. He’s taking his time approaching the Birthannukah Backyard Tiki Torch; he’s careful.

Bill: As soon as he lights the torch, the games begin! We’ll find out if Mr. Husband can step into the householder mold.

Ted: Haha—this is going to be a great competition this year, Bill! Look at the fans! They’ve all got their kazoos out for the Birthannukah National Anthem!

Bill: Here it comes, Ted!